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Rainy Day?

Ugh, I’m really down today. I know the events that occurred yesterday weren’t exactly cause to rejoice (well, except for the fact that I’ve posted a story to fictionpress that appears to have fairly good reviews), but I just feel like my whole world has been turned inside out. 

I’m still so mad, but I’m also missing him. For a little over 8 months now, I talked to him every day. Today is honestly the first day that I have ever purposely ignored him. It turns out, I really hate the feeling. True, I could contact him via skype or yahoo… but… there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to give in. There’s a part of me that wants him to the the one to have the first form of contact. I want him to miss me first. I know it’s unlikely. I’m sure he’s enjoying being away from me today… 

Ugh. Screw this. I can’t think about it anymore. I wont let myself. It’s bullcrap.

-The Vampire with the Waffles


First off, I would like to state how it’s kind of hilarious that this is becoming the place I whine and cry at. Yes, because life is so horrible. It’s freaking impossible. It’s like that really tough video game, where no matter how hard you fight and how many potions, herbs, etc. that you take, you always end up dead in the end. 

My life has had similar twists and turns like that lately. Twists and turns that make me sick, but those that you can’t stop so you just realize it’s better to go with the flow. I got into an argument with my… ex? I don’t know what you would call him. We were so close even though we had broken up. He was like my best friend. The only thing we had nixxed was our dating status. Well… 

The argument was pretty simple. I just wanted him to tell someone in his life that I existed so that in case something happened to him, I would know and wouldn’t have to find out from his newspaper or police agency. His argument that he didn’t wanna have to face the embarrassment of being in love with someone online, and that his friends would make fun of him. 

The argument went on… until we came down to the singular fact that his pride was more important than me. I sat in shock for the longest time. The boy I loved more than everyone else, who I would sacrifice so much more… didn’t even rate me above a SLIVER of his pride. Can you say utterly heartbroken?

I was talking to a good friend of mine, who is going through something similar with her boyfriend, and she asked me how it is that I’m keeping my chin up, and how I’m not just freaking out right now. My answer? I guess it’s that I’ve been through this before. that I’ve had my heart broken and stepped on more than I care to count. I thought to myself that I would be damned if I would let him break me simply because he was being an asshole.

But to be perfectly honest, yes, it does hurt. He told me he thought I was like a prison… and that hurts beyond hurting. To know that the one person you love the most feels you’re suffocating them? It makes you afraid to love other people, because you’re afraid you’re going to suffocate them, too. It makes you never want to open up again. 

And maybe I wont. I don’t know yet. I haven’t met anyone that I really want to open up to. It’s easier to stay inside a shell and just watch the world fly by than trust someone and realize you’re SUFFOCATING them. There’s nothing I can do about it anymore. We’re not even going to talk to each other anymore. At least, not for a while. 

Because even though he hurt me, I have to admit that I still love him, and probably will continue to love him. I looked forward to so many things with him… now I’m going to forget them all. I will look forward to nothing, just so I can get him out of my mind. He can stay away- far away… and I’ll be here with my shell. 

I’ll learn to be happy like a clam.

-The Vampire with the Waffles


I was picturing the first day that I’ll actually get to meet and feel my honey bun in my arms… And I started laughing because I realized that I wouldn’t be able to let him go at all that entire first day. I would be too busy poking and prodding him him and then pinching myself to ensure myself that I was awake and that it was indeed real.

That day, I think, would be the most amazing out of any other day- ever. Even if all I was able to do was stare and blush and make a total fool out of myself. It would still all be worth it. 

I can’t fricken wait. 

It will probably be a few years, but it’s gonna be soooo worth it!!

-The Vampire with the Waffles


I only have a few moments to write, as my alarm clock will be going off in a minute… literally. But I wanted to express exactly how tired I was and how scared I am of going to work today. I just hope the kids behave and I don’t have to worry about them doing anything stupid. 

If I have a chance I will expand upon this later!

-The Vampire with the Waffles

P.S.- My alarm clock just went off and I think it shaved 10 years off my life.

That Unending Darkness

I realize that at some point or another, we all have mommy issues, whether it’s because we think they’re punishing us unjustly or if it’s because they’re dead, or as good as dead to us. One thing I can’t stand, however, is when someone tries to compare death of a mother and being estranged from your mother.

I, myself, am the latter. Now, I understand this is going to be a very potentially rude and mean little speech here, but I really want people to sit back and see where I’m coming from on this. I’m not trying to downplay the pain of losing a mother by any means, but I want people to understand the pain of having one, but not having one at the same time.

My mother and I haven’t really spoken in 4 years. The last time I actually sat down with my mom and attempted to have an eye to eye conversation, I was 15. My mom has been dead to me since then. Every time I see her, it’s like seeing someone wearing my mother’s face. Because she’s not the same person I knew. I look at her and wonder where everything suddenly changed. 

I see her, but she’s not the mother I knew. She’s not HER anymore. The mother I had is GONE. There’s no possibility for a friendship. There’s NOTHING LEFT. So essentially, I get to look at the shell of a mother that I had for a whole whopping 15 years. The mother I depended on, and loved with all my heart… the one who I thought would protect me through all harm… she doesn’t exist anymore. 

This is the part where it might become a bit offensive to some people… 

I wish I had had my mom for as long as most people do. “But you still have her! Mine is DEAD!” No… I don’t. My mother is manipulative and an angry person. There is no mother there anymore. I can’t lay my head on her shoulder like I used to. She’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. So I want you to now imagine your mother alive again, except a total manipulative, conniving, bitch. I guess you could liken it as to a demon possessing her. 

Yes, when my mother dies, I’m sure I’ll be sad. I’m sure it will suck like hell, and I’ll probably wish I had spent more time with her and not spent time avoiding her. But honestly? It’s the only thing I CAN do with my mother. I just want to say to all of you who had wonderful mothers who died to soon: cherish every single happy moment you had with them. Every single bit of advice they gave you. 

Because at least they aren’t still alive, fucking up all of those memories for you.

-The Vampire with the Waffles

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